I am realizing things about myself that I had not considered before. Just as I thought I had beat down all the demons I saw around me, there were still some hiding and they have crept up behind me and caught me off-guard.
I am still struggling with some faith issues.
I was trying to run things like I run business at my office. There are performance objectives for which you can valuate progress, assign goals and measure success in meeting objectives. There are tightly run meetings with charts and graphs, and the standards are quantified. There is a set group where accountability is established and which group will take responsibility for which function; there is quality control who will ensure regulatory compliance standards. While these things help me to manage production and some awesome employees, it makes me a poor apetebii.
Madrina said Orisa do things in their own time. I said nothing, but my chest collapsed. And not on a timeline? not necessarily in order? How can I measure progress if there is no set objective, destination, carefully calculated method? This feeling is not over because I recognize it now that she pointed it out, I’m still wrestling with it right now. Then I thought to myself, “When did I become so regimented in my life?” I used to be a free spirit, fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl, and I have become something I would have never agreed to in my younger years. When did I become so reliant on being methodical, predictable, immovable? It happened over time so slowly I hadn’t noticed.
Madrina said “You have no control over this.” My head began to spin. I began to realize that this was the key issue, that I had become so accustomed to running everything in my life and being in charge of everything that my faith was faith as long as I thought I was still running the show. The minute the strings and the puppeteer became visible, I reacted poorly, made poor judgement calls and poor decisions. It has really thrown me as I try my hardest to right myself and catch my balance.
Madrina said this will take faith. Not only do I have to trust that Orisa are not going to back me into a situation where I end up suffering, I have to trust who has been chosen to guide me. I have to trust that when she says she has time for me that she really does. I have to trust that I am not a burden to her despite unusual circumstances in my early life that left me feeling that I burdened everyone around me with my presence. This is when I realized that childhood pains should no longer be given space in my life. These thoughts have been toxic to me my whole life, it has been a destructive force and it is time to let go of this as well.
I have been in control of my life and been the boss, but I have yet to feel fulfillment and the happiness I want for myself. I have no choice now because I’m at a crossroads where I refuse to fall stagnant and fail to progress. It seems so simple to just let go but it is one of the greatest challenges I think I’ve faced so far. So simple that people take for granted that someone will be there along side them, even just to talk. Yet I find trusting someone to be there for me, and that they actually want to be there so difficult to accept.
I look around and I know where I am, but my surroundings still seem strangely unfamiliar.